Chris Ryan
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Well thank you very much Paul R, and give that bottle back....how dare you eat those beasties.
Andyway, ........BABES I've got the solution for hunting down those lads (AM and CR),.......
I found this strange lamp and if you rub it 3 times and think hard for example : you think " I want to find AM".......this genee (is that how you write it) or is it ginee or gini ( isn't that a drink too) comes out and its female (actually it's one of their ex) and she tells you immediately where he is, only think is she won't go back in the bottle and then starts critisising my Chanel ('cause she wants one too) or my Armani , and then we start fighting,....................
Now I've got one locked up together with Paul R, hopefully he won't eat her aswell.
>>By borisette (Wednesday, 3 Dec 2003 10:24)
Any resemblance to any TV show you may have seen in the dim and distant past is ummmmmm, okay leave it there.
Chris'll Fix It For You
CR appears singing
"Your letter was only the start of it, one letter and now you're a part of it,
Now you've done it, Chris has fixed it for you, and you and you.
There must be something that you always want to do, the one thing that you always wanted to,
Now you've done it, Chris has fixed it for you and you and you. Ba ba ba….
Ba ba ba….Chris has fixed it for you, and you and you and you-ou-ou."
The audience cheers wildly and Chris sits on the nearest red sofa.
CR "Hia gang, it's me Chris Ryan, the One That Got Away. I'm here today to meet up with Am-I-Binned to make her dream come true. Come on, follow me"
CR runs off, camera bobbing along behind him.
CR "Hi AIB, how are you today?"
AIB "Nervous, I can't believe I'm finally going to meet him"
CR "Um them darlin', them"
<AIB screams in CR's ear with excitement, jumping up and down like a little pogostick>
CR "First I have the letter here in my hand that you wrote to me. It says,
Dear Chris
I've been a massive fan of A<cough cough> for ages and would love to have the chance to meet him and quiz him about his inspirations/thoughts on current security affairs/why he writes what he writes. Please, please, please could you fix it for me to interview him at the Ritz in London (so I can have a holiday too!), I promise all the questions will be sensible.
Your greatest fan,
AIB xxxx
CR contd "Well AIB, tonight is your lucky night, they're here in the building and they're going to take you for dinner at the Ritz where you can quiz them on their superb hunting skills. Ladies and gentlemen let's give a warm Geordie welcome to my mates……THE HUNTER FORCE"
Audience cheers loudly but AIB stands confused.
AIB "I didn't want to meet them, I've never even seen that show, I wanted to meet Andy, is he a part of your hunter force now?"
CR <whispering into AIB's ear> "No, now play along, I couldn't get Andy he's busy"
AIB "B-b-b-ut……well okay"
The hunter force all race up, hugging AIB and kissing her on the forehead, as in true Chris'll Fix It tradition the audience then watches the VT showing AIB's 'wonderful' date with her all time heroes….
CR "So did I make your dream come true doll?"
AIB "Yes you certainly did, I can't thank you enough"
CR "Well does she deserve a badge?"
Bearded one "Definitely Chris, I've never met a better little trooper and to celebrate her love for us, I'd like to give you these souvenirs from all of the hunter force"
Bearded one pulls out a pristene map, a big chewed cigar and part of the red smoke booby trap.
AIB "Um, thanks"
CR "Well here's one more surprise"
AIB "Andy's autograph?"
Chris produces a huge winged dagger shaped pendant and places it around AIB's neck "Your official Chris Fixed It For Me badge. Ladies and gentlemen a round of applause for our lucky lady please"
AIB bows "Thank you"
I must point out that AIB probably has no idea what show this is based on but I'm sure Brits-based eighties children like myself will have no trouble singing the theme tune whilst reading it. Ba ba ba baaaaa…..ba ba ba ba baaaa. They don't make TV like that no more!!!
>>By Bethan (Wednesday, 3 Dec 2003 10:35)
"and then we start fighting,...................."
Mad and scary ha ha. Remind me to run from you and that lamp as well as CR!!
>>By Bethan (Wednesday, 3 Dec 2003 10:39)
<yeah I remember that show : " Jim'll fix it"
btw is he still alive???
That was a great show, early eighties, yeah you could meet your favourite band or football player, or go on holiday to disneyland .....
>>By borisette (Wednesday, 3 Dec 2003 13:01)
Uh-oh!!!!!! You've got me totally beside myself now, Bethan!
aib-1: Ohmigod! Ohmigod! Oooooh!
aib-2: Cool it with the girlie squeals, will ya!?!
aib-1: Ooooohmigosh, no! Are you out of your mind?!?!?
aib-2: No, but you are! Definitely conduct unbefitting!
aib-1: But HFO really seemed to like the fit (blush!)...
aib-2: Shut up! But what about soldiery? What about being one of the lads?
aib-1: (big grin, bigger blush!)
aib-2: It's hopeless... there's no talking to you when you're like this!
aib-1: uhm... talking? (mega grin, mega blush!)
aib-2: Oh man! This is more than embarrassing! Look what you've done, Bethan!
aib-1: Oooh, yes, thank you for making these grinning blushes sooooo special!
aib-2: (groan) No credibility, no dignity... all gone... no hope of recovery...
aib-1: (whispered) Shhh, aib-2! Play along, play along! You're doing great! What you don't understand is this is just a ruse, part of the plan...I mean, mission... I'd explain more but remember, it's Need To Know... wait 'til the next BABES (or Bethan) installment...
>>By am-i-binned (Wednesday, 3 Dec 2003 14:53)
Hi, never been on a web board before, what's the rules?
Personal favourite CR book is The Watchman - although the cross moor bike chase at the end is beyond credibility and to end up on Pen-y-Van - surely that's stretching it too far, apart from that a good plot with a believable Meehan - given the disclosures in NI soon after the timing was perfect. Art imitating Life or insider knowledge coming out in fiction?
Got the recently updated TOTGA - I think this is closer to the factual truth than B2Z.
But doubt anyone not involved (i.e. 99.9% of the population) will ever know the real events of this event.
Anybody ever read One Up or The Operators?
nomad
>>By Nomad (Wednesday, 3 Dec 2003 20:50)
>although the cross moor bike chase at the end is beyond credibility >and to end up on Pen-y-Van - surely that's stretching it too far
Not so, Nomad...'stretching it too far' is the duty of the B.A.B.E.S in their serialisations on the Andy McNab page...we've had bike chases ON Pen Y Fan!!
Hang on...that's stretching it beyond all realms of sensibility...
>>By bikergirl (Wednesday, 3 Dec 2003 21:53)
LOL Yeah, AIB! Play along. CR knew Andy was busy, so that means he knows how to contact him. :)
>>By Dare (Thursday, 4 Dec 2003 04:54)
Welcome, Nomad... :o)
"What's the rules?" Just one fundamental rule really: Be respectful. After that, everything else is pretty much fair game! We're really a quite diversified, imaginative (ohmiyes!), gregarious gang, and we're always looking to sign up new recruits for F Troop. (Uhm, or are we officially F Squadron now?) Oh, yeah, and it helps to be gobby...
So now, in keeping with standard welcoming SOPs, care to tell us how you happened to find this messageboard and what other CR books you've read?
---------------
Shhhh! Quiet, Dare!
I may have effectively deafened CR's one ear, but what if his other one hears you spilling the beans! Hand signals only, okay? Damn! He just looked over and saw you signal! Uh-oh, why's he grinning like....? Oh brother! He thinks you *want* him! Change of plan...
>>By am-i-binned (Thursday, 4 Dec 2003 05:59)
Hia Nomad.
If you loved the Watchman you should definitely read Greed, it's even better and there are no bike chases! As for updated TOTGA what does he say in his little intro? I've only read the olde version. I hope you're a little nuts, you'll need to be on this board.
Hey bg another scientist - we'll soon out-number the rest of them!
Can I just say that after posting Chris'll Fix It I spent the rest of the day singing that damn theme tune, so in my duty as thoughtful work colleague I made sure everyone else did too. Apologies if it stuck in anyone else's head.
>>By Bethan (Thursday, 4 Dec 2003 09:25)
Thanks for the pleasant welcome y'all. I found the message board by a bizarre coincidence and thought I'd stumbled into some weird cult.
Do people really have such intellectual discussions about the fictional world of CR and AM? I shook my head, twice, and read on. Seems they do.
Felt a bit shy but decided what the hell, may as well try and join in. You seem like a nice bunch (of nutters)
I was a bit of a late comer to the AM/CR club. Read B2Z and TOTGA (new updated version) and just started Immediate Action - so far so good, typical AM.
- after flicking through all the Geordie Sharp and not being able to find a copy of The Hit List (the only one I fancied) I lifted The Watchman and was gripped. Never fancied Nick Stone - flicked through a few but never took the plunge and read one in full - any recommendations to start with?
Was given a copy of Land of Fire - but can't get into it. The Falklands never really does it for me as a theatre for good fiction. Much prefer when they go over the water to NI like the watchman did. Good suspense and a real edge to these tales.
What's greed about then?
The new TOTGA has new material and additional section of photographs - which all came loose and fell out.
The intro summarises some of the fascination with B2Z and TOTGA that mystifies CR and tell the basic outline and sets the scene for what lead up to B2Z and the events afterwards with the television documentaries the rifts and his current impression of the regiment, he also describes his trauma, and his life immediately after and today.
I have a lot of respect for CR, what he's come through and thought it was great to see that big grin at the end of the recent Hunting CR series - even if the Hunter Force were a bag of shite. (no disrepsect intended AIB ;-)
Right I'll leave it there for the minute.
I have two passions in life - tracking (military/wildlife) and exotic cats.
>>By Nomad (Thursday, 4 Dec 2003 11:05)
Big Brother SAS...
There are only 5 housemates left now. Eddie Stone and Mac (ex SAS Survival Show), Chris Ryan and Ken Taylor (ex CR Hunter Force) and, finally Andy McNab.
Day 32
"It's 8 o'8 in the BB SAS House. The housemates task this week is to pole dance every time they hear Kylie's Spinning Around. Chris has been wearing gold hot-pants for 48 hours so that he's ready for action, day or night."
"I'm spinning around...Move outta my way...I know you're feeling me...'Cos you like it like this"
CR jumps up and stars gyrating round the pole and singing at the top of his voice...
KT : "He's such a show queen"
ES : "Aye man"
Mac : "I like his hot-pants..."
"This is Big Brother. You can stop dancing now Chris"
CR : "Mmmmm...gorgeous lady BB voice. I'm going to the Diary Room to chat her up..."
AM : "We won't be seein' him for a while lads...I'll get the beers..."
Day 33
"It's 8 o'8 (isn't it always...) and Mac was up early gathering herbs in the BB SAS Garden. He's making an infusion for the rest of the lads"
Mac : "Here ya go boys...get this brew down yer necks"
AM : "Yuk!!!"...spitting it out..."WTF is that s'posed to be?"
Mac : "Camomile tea...very calming."
"I'm breaking it down...I'm not the same...I know you're feeling me...Cos you like it like this"
CR : "Outta my way...my turn to dance...me me me"
AM : "He's the one that needs calming down Mac..."
Later...
"It's 1 o'8 (makes a change). Eddie has prepared lunch for the housemates. Mac has harvested and prepared vegetables from the BB SAS Garden"
ES : "Allright lads, come and get it..."
CR : "What are we having Eddie?"
ES : "Roast chicken mate, with seasonal veg thanks to Mac"
KT wanders in from tending the chickens...
KT : "Guys, I think one of the hens has got away..."
CR : "Impossible...I'm the only One That Got Away"
Collective yawn from the housemates...
ES : "Ha ha...it didn't get away...from me"...pointing to the bird on the table
KT : "Is that?...is it?...Betty?"...looking horrified..."She was my favourite...I was gonna take her home with me...we were gonna start a new life together...it was gonna be so beautiful"
ES : "FFS lad! get a grip...we've gottae eat...tuck in lads"
Day 34
"It's 8 o'8 (back to normal). Today the housemates have to nominate who's up for eviction"
"This is Big Brother, could Andy come to the Diary Room please"
In the Diary Room...
"Hello Andy"
AM : "Hello BB"
"COuld you please give me the names of the 2 people you want to evict from the BB SAS House"
AM : "Well...my first nomination is Ken. He was such a girl when we ate his bird yesterday. And I'd also like to nominate Chris coz those bleedin' hot-pants are mingin' now"
"Thank you Andy"
AM : "Bye BB"
"This is Big Brother, could Chris come to the Diary Room please"
CR : "Yummmm...sexy lady BB voice. My nominations may take a while lads" <wink>
In the Diary Room...
"Hello Chris"
CR : "Hello sexy lady...what are you doing later, babe?"
"I'm being the voice of BB tonight. Can I have your nominations please Chris"
CR : "I nominate you for having the best 'come to bed' voice, babe"
"Your eviction nominations please Chris"
CR : "Well, actually, I don't want to nominate anyone because I love them all. But not as much as I'm gonna love you later, babe"
"You must make 2 nominations Chris"
CR : "OK...I nominate myself for having the best pole dancing moves and I nominate myself for having the best looking ass-in-gold-hot-pants"
"Please just give them to me"
CR : "You want my hot-pants?"
"No...the names"
CR : "Oh...er...right then...I nominate Mac and Eddie and Andy and Ken coz none of them stand a chance with the ladies when I'm around...they might as well all go home now"
"Only 2 people Chris"
CR : "I know babe...you and me...right now"
"Please Chris..."
CR : "You don't have to ask me twice, babe...I'm comin' to get ya..."
"No...please Chris...behave"
CR : "What are you wearing?"
"I'll make a deal...you give me your nominations...I'll tell you what I'm wearing"
CR : "Deal, babe...OK...hmmm...it's such a difficult choice...OK...Mac 'n Eddie go...they were acting a bit too tough on their TV show...it's not good for my reputation."
"Thank you Chris"
CR : "So...your part of the deal...what are ya wearing for me, babe?"
"Labcoat and latex Chris..."
CR gulps...surely not...not in the BB SAS House too???
The (regi)mental pursuers strike again....he he he...
>>By bikergirl (Thursday, 4 Dec 2003 13:20)
ROFLMHO!!! HAHAHA! (ouch! think I just cracked a rib) So what! HAHAHA!!
Good Grief, Bikergirl! Your bike better be really ready to ride cuz you'z bez needin' way more than track shoes now! :oD
Uhm... and what was that you said, Nomad?
"... some weird cult .... intellectual discussions about the fictional world of CR and AM..." Think the key is in your next comment: "... shook my head, twice..."
Indications are very strong that a few craniums around here may have been shaken a little too hard at some time, resulting in... well, as you said, "... a nice bunch (of nutters)."
Okay now... [struggling to regain composure; still distracted by visions of gold dancing in my head and aching ribs! hahaha! I mean, ho ho ho!]
Re: Reading sequence
AM's fiction is absolutely best when read in publication order, so Remote Control is where to begin. I'll repost the publication order on AM's board, and maybe someone here will repost the publication order of CR's books (for me, too, please).... :o)
Uhm... and, Nomad, re: tracking, we are talking "Kodak moments", right? :o\
{Whispered: BABES, potential problem here if Int Profile is correct and Ortlieb snags Nomad for their team...} ;o)
>>By am-i-binned (Thursday, 4 Dec 2003 14:54)
Oi AIB stop helping Ortlieb overthrow us!!
"Indications are very strong that a few craniums around here may have been shaken a little too hard at some time"
Whatever gave you that idea?
CR order
Stand By, Stand By, Zero Option, Kremlin Device, Tenth Man Down (have to say though, wouldn't recommend them, you're not missing much)
The action starts here:
The Hit List, The Watchman, Land of Fire, Greed.
I think....Can't be sure off the top of my head.
Bikergirl - spot on BBSAS. I love the hotpants!! Nice touch, what a wicked sense of humour........
>>By Bethan (Thursday, 4 Dec 2003 15:00)
I really have to start concentrating today I nearly posted my protocols, now that would have been fun for you all!! Fingers crossed I'll race you to double figures.
An Interview with Chris Ryan Hosted by bikergirl and Bethan
For once they're nowhere near Pen-y-Fen or Hereford or in a pub, makes a change doesn't it?
bg "Our guest this afternoon is ex-SAS corporal and commercial army diplomat Chris Ryan. Welcome Chris"
CR "Thank you very much, it's lovely to be here"
Bethan giggles, in fact Beth can't stop giggling, it's the nerves.
bg "Tell me, your latest book is the Ultimate Survival Guide, what can you survive with it?"
CR "Basically the book helps you to think your way through any situation, to give you the best shot at survival. My inspiration came from my ten years serving with 22SAS during me time in Iraq….."
B "That's great Chris but is it useful?"
CR "What? Of course it's useful, it teaches you navigational skills which I used during me time in Iraq….."
bg "Great, but what about womanising skills, does it teach you those?"
bikergirl slides a little closer to Chris on the couch, winking at him.
CR "No, well you learn those from my fiction books, and you know what they say a writer only writes about what he knows best. Can I have a little more room please?"
bg "Well I never, Beth, put the kettle on love, it's just across the road"
B "But I've not asked my questions yet"
bg "Hurry up"
B "Okay. Chris, when you write how do you get your inspiration?" <See she's trying to be sensible>
CR "I draw inspiration from all around me, the birds in the trees and the birds walking down the street <winks>. I'm just very aware of life and what it means after me time in Iraq….."
B "Where is Iraq?"
CR "Ummmm, I'm not sure but during me time in Iraq…."
bg "I'm getting a little déjà vu here"
B "Did you go to Iraq for this book?"
CR "Nah"
B "Then stop mentioning it, thanking you"
CR "Sorry, look I don't mean to be rude bikergirl but get off my knee"
bg <pulls sulky face and moves over to the other chair>
CR "I haven't forgotten me skills you know, I can still defend myself and I will, I will do it"
bg "Take a chill pill mate"
B "Slim Fast, let's mention that shall we……"
CR breaks through the door, running as fast as his little legs will carry him away from the two nutters that are hounding him with dumb questions.
B "Do we give chase?"
bg "Are you kidding?"
Our two professionals sit with their brew….
(Now if Ortlieb had been interviewing he'd have run after him!!)
>>By Bethan (Thursday, 4 Dec 2003 15:06)
Hot Stock Tip!
Buy Pfizer (www.healing-aid.com/conaffairs/first_aid21.shtml)
Profits are soaring thanks to Bethan and Bikergirl and the resulting increase in BenGay consumption.
Fanx for the CR reading order. Added to my wish list for Santa but I might not have made his "nice" list this year (major demits for poofing and blushing!)....
Bethan: "Indications are very strong that a few craniums around here may have been shaken a little too hard at some time"
Whatever gave you that idea?
aib: Uhm... I dunno... the rattling in my head when I walk maybe? :o)
Bethan: "Oi AIB stop helping Ortlieb overthrow us!!"
aib: Shhhh! That's exactly what we want him to think, but check out 112 at you-know-where -- we have a hamster... :o)
>>By am-i-binned (Thursday, 4 Dec 2003 16:02)
Hamsters? BenGay? Are they connected? Is there something we should know? We've all heard the A&E stories, I'm shocked ha ha.
>>By Bethan (Thursday, 4 Dec 2003 16:31)
aib...still distracted by visions of gold dancing in my head...
so it's not just me 'n Beth that have a mental (visual as well as any other meanings appropriate to us...) images of Mr Ryan dancing to Kylie...
As for the hamster-BenGay combination...please stop trying to corrupt us innocent Britgirls...ha ha ha
Honestly...you Americans with your liberal attitudes...<vbg><vbw>
I'm as shocked as Bethan...LOL
>>By bikergirl (Thursday, 4 Dec 2003 18:57)
Oh, man! Not sure what I said but I gather I shouldn't have... :o\
Hamster and BenGay -- no connection whatsoever. Meant "hamster" as a cute and cuddley version of "mole" (infiltating Ortlieb's team) (and ref pgs 21-22) and, honestly, jokes of needing BenGay for aching muscles (too much grinning) pre-date this board... :o)
>>By am-i-binned (Thursday, 4 Dec 2003 21:18)
Whilst on the subject of 'moles'...take a look at...
www.codenamespy.co.uk
The BBC are looking for 8 people to train as spies for a couple of months next spring...why not send off the name of someone you'd like to see the back of for a couple of months...he he he
>>By bikergirl (Thursday, 4 Dec 2003 21:35)
Oh boy, ooh lordie me,......BG your hand is working
bigtime now..LOL
ooops, shouldn't 've said that :(
>>By borisette (Thursday, 4 Dec 2003 22:22)
CR in gold hotpants.......
I can't hear spinning around without laughing now.
Anyway, flicking through sky guide last night, if you have BBC3 on digital they are showing HCR again and the SAS Survival Secrets is starting again on there, obviously didn't get enough viewers to warrant a BBC2 slot. Can't remember when.
>>By Bethan (Friday, 5 Dec 2003 09:37)
BBC 3 listings...
Haunting Chris Ryan (in Siberia) on Sat 6 Dec at 7pm
SAS Survival Secrets on Mon 8 Dec at 7.30pm
>>By bikergirl (Friday, 5 Dec 2003 13:27)
"Haunting Chris Ryan"
There's a novel idea for a show. I wonder if he "ain't afraid of no ghost na na na..." Brings a whole new meaning to spook.....
>>By Bethan (Friday, 5 Dec 2003 13:44)
Uh oh...Haunting CR...blame the left-hand for that one...
He probably would be haunted if he ever read this board...
>>By bikergirl (Friday, 5 Dec 2003 18:05)
Haaaaaaaa I've got it ....the new detector.
Actually it's a special machine wich detects out all SAS and Ex SAS members.
It's a " I'm Completely WAxed" Detector.
OOh yes, all members of SAS have to be completely waxed, and I say completely (wink).
That's why they always have their clingfilm with them, to strap off the hair from everywhere. They have to do it even during SOPs, so they won't make any noise whilst moving .
You have to keep up the device in a vertical way and when it scans a member of the SF it'll start huffing and puffing . Then their's a screen that shows you the target. Now hold the device horizontally , pointing the target, and it'll simply blow him down.
Isn't that great!!!
>>By borisette (Friday, 5 Dec 2003 23:53)
Not just haunted but very disturbed. Full body waxes have made it on here too! But who gets to do the waxing Borisette??? Or is that why you invented it ha ha.
>>By Bethan (Saturday, 6 Dec 2003 12:08)
Ooh no Bethan dearie, you've got this all wrong. You see when the detector starts huffing and puffing and then blows the SAS man down, you from BABES are to do an immediate mouth - to - mouth resuscitation to get them back, pack them in clingfilm and send them by priority mail to aib, she knows what to do with them afterwards
>>By borisette (Saturday, 6 Dec 2003 13:16)
Hi Nomad... Beast of Bodmin tracker, huh?
Are you lurking? I'm surprised you attracted so little attention here in such a feline orientated domain. I guess they missed the vital clue - their sniffers trained to tulips!!!
How can one best describe "Greed" in a few words?
Answer: A Brink's Mat-Robbery theme enacted on the High Seas = uncut haul...
One could be forgiven for thinking CR enjoys watery stories (The Hit List), or maybe he genuinely prefers hanging out with ex SBS & U.S.Navy Seals for well-earned beer pre and post TV activity shows...
His popularity in the UK has very definitely overtaken AM's, for the moment. It'll be interesting to see whether AM's venture into teen books will boost his profile on UK soil, the pulp for paper (recycled) sign up didn't cut a lot of mustard with Joe Public.
>>By buddy (Sunday, 7 Dec 2003 16:19)
Was the hit list watery? Thought it was more landey myself.
>>By Bethan (Monday, 8 Dec 2003 09:44)
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