Chris Ryan
Forum
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 ... 22
>>By Lynn (Monday, 27 Oct 2003 15:30)
Well, what do you know, just lifted too... CR to page 5
>>By Lynn (Monday, 27 Oct 2003 15:31)
Bethie:
Oh, I prefer Herbalife Thermojetics with tropical flavour. Bring along your piña coladas and we'll throw a bush-party. You dig the OP, and I'll show you how to stretch out afterwards......
>>By ortlieb (Monday, 27 Oct 2003 16:44)
Uh oh...publishing the transcript of the covert intel mission from the CR-ortlieb gym session...was that wise?
Hope you're up to date on the e & e tactics...
>>By bikergirl (Monday, 27 Oct 2003 19:15)
Ortlieb
What on earth are Herbalife Thermojetics? It sounds painful. You're a naughty boy Ortlieb, come on phase 3 of Chris's programme is digging, put your back into it boy. No shirking now, think of the arms you'll have! I'll ignore the stretching comment to save my blushes ha ha.
Mind you speaking about CR and Ortlieb's gym sessions anyone want the next installment?
>>By Bethan (Tuesday, 28 Oct 2003 09:41)
Horrors...CR visits The Salon for a colonic (he skipped a day of his diet the naughty boy) and a spray tan (he's booked for more publicity shots)
<bikergirl wakes from bad dream>
I have the lads coming round tonight for a briefing meeting for our Valencia Op. (Mission: to observe the last round of the Motogp). What shall I feed them?
Decide to check out the SAS Diet for ideas...
"You can eat six times in every 24 hours..."
Sod that...it's not a tapas bar here
"There's no fiddly preparation..."
Liking the sound of this <vbg>
"If you're forced to go to the pub with the lads..."
Forced? Me? I fear you have mistaken me...
Chris adds: "...it will boost your sex life"
Noooo...I mean I like these guys, but I only have eyes for one
(but he's not back yet so we're going without him...)
Reaches bottom of page...still none the wiser.
Dusts off Nigellas book...crosses out her name...writes in Chris.
'Chris bites'...what?...oh yeah...The Commercial Bullet.
Covers her face with the CR pic from this weeks TV guide.
Will it convince the lads?
Back to loading up the bike...
Things to remember when camping...ummm...the tent?
Tries to think back to the recent SAS survival programme...what was it 'Eddie Stone' said we should take?...
Can only think of the Firestarter tampon...but these guys are Marines.
Ditches tampon in favour of pantyliner with waterproof backing (can always use it for puncture repair)
Mind wanders back to food...SlimFast tinnies all round I reckon.
Thanks for the inspiration Chris.
>>By bikergirl (Tuesday, 28 Oct 2003 11:14)
<bikergirl sits patiently waiting for the next instalment of "The Gym Session">
<bikergirl wonders if CR will pop in to give a motivational talk to get this thing onto page 6...>
>>By bikergirl (Tuesday, 28 Oct 2003 11:28)
Bikergirl that was classic - puncture kit is this from experience??
So here it is Ortlieb (sorry mate!!) at his best, with a little help from ex-SAS hero Chris Ryan
CHRIS RYAN AND ORTLIEB'S FITNESS WORKSHOP
Brought to you today by the letters S and F and the number one
CF:"Today we're in a typical jungle basha area, no gym for miles, so what do we do Orti? We don't want to get any civvie fat"
Ort:"Dunno Chris, run mindlessly through the jungle?"
CR:"No that's not working to our optimal fitness level and it won't tone our thighs efficiently either. Try again Orti.."
Ort:"Hmmm, star jumps?"
CR:"No. Give up? We stack these tins of delicious creamy mushroom flavoured slim fast soup to about waist height, balance one leg on the pile and streeeetch. And then the other leg - streeetch"
Ort:"Ooooh that feels good. I can feel the pounds falling off my thighs"
CR:"12 weeks of that and you too could have thighs like mine"
Ort:"But what about the abs Chris, you know how the ladies love a six-pack"
CR:"That's easy. Place on delicious slim fast snack bar on a handy branch. Lie just in front of it and sit-up to get it. 35 reps later you can eat the tasty snack bar as a reward"
Ort:"Smashing. I'm now as fit as a butcher's dog"
No volunteers were harmed during the making of this exercise programme. Slim Fast the only choice for the Special Forces Soldier!!
>>By Bethan (Tuesday, 28 Oct 2003 12:07)
Has anyone else noticed the odd list of books down the side of this page. If anyone could explain what God and the Evolving Universe has to do with Mr Slim Fast I'd be really really grateful.
>>By Bethan (Tuesday, 28 Oct 2003 14:10)
So...I went to the gym...circuits with Kirk.
I decide to enlighten him to The SlimFast Way...recommended by ex-SAS superstar Chris Ryan I tell him.
He laughs uncontrollably (displaying a great 6-pack)...but I don't mind coz I have seen the latest "Gym Session" transcript and I'm a believer...
btw Ortlieb...any before and after pics...seeing as it's going so well for you? <vbg>
On the way home...I stop at the shops to stock up for the lads tea...enter the shop in stealth mode (black leathers, Oakleys on).
Conduct a systematic search for the SlimFast...
soup section?...shakes cabinet?
Eventually find my way to an exposed end-of-aisle display (with help of local wearing "I'm here to help..." tabard)
'Kin 'ell...this stuff's not cheap (no wonder CR's gone public).
Ponder the flavours for a while (& nutritional content of course)...settle for a random selection.
Uh oh...SatPhone's beeping (Nokia Pay-As-You-Go model)...it's Kenny (one of the lads coming over tonight)...he's spotted my bike and he's coming in.
Hurriedly putting back the tins...bugger...where'd the Big Mac flavour one come from?
Try to make a get away...get trapped by (massive) woman's trolley as she loads up with enough for a family of 4 (mind you, she must weigh as much as a family of 4)
Too late...Kenny's seen me...I'm still holding a tin of incriminating evidence...
"Hey babe...how are you?" I say, leaning over to give him a hug.
Steering him swiftly away from the danger zone...I drop the can in family-of-4-womans trolley
"I was thinking spag bol for you guys tonight"...
Jeez...close call.
Sorry CR...can't bring myself to do it...not even for you...
>>By bikergirl (Tuesday, 28 Oct 2003 15:09)
Bethan...dunno 'bout the books on the side of this page either.
I know the Face-of-SlimFast likes his travel, but..."Sex Tourism: Marginal People and Liminalities by Ryan, Chris"???
Hmmmm...should I try and get a copy to take on my travels before tomorrow night?
>>By bikergirl (Tuesday, 28 Oct 2003 15:13)
If you check out the Andy McNab-board bikergirl, you'll find that I discovered that book also. And no, it's not the Chris Ryan of the SAS.
And I haven't reached a perfect six-pack yet, so those pics will have to wait a little bit....
Beth: Be on the lookout for me and Chris' most recent project:
"Chris Ryan and ortlieb's survival guide II: How you and your CT-team can implement syncronized swimming excercises in order to stretch out after an exhausting oil-rig boarding Op"
>>By ortlieb (Tuesday, 28 Oct 2003 16:57)
ortlieb: how dedicated am I?....found your post on page 76 of the AM board.
Ummmm...I knew it wasn't the CR that these pages are devoted to...irony...that'd be the thing I had in mind...
Have decided to take Bear Grylls - Facing Up with me tomorrow...heard him talk a while back, but thought I'd lost his book till it fell out of the bookcase the other day.
Strange-but-true: it was closely followed by AM's Immediate Action...
<bikergirl wanders back to slaving over a hot stove>
>>By bikergirl (Tuesday, 28 Oct 2003 17:54)
Ortlieb you have to post that one with pictures and will you be wearing a fancy swimming hat and goggles? But remember this is a family board - no tight speedos please. Will that be before or after "Chris Ryan and Ortlieb Fast Rope with Slim Fast"?
>>By Bethan (Wednesday, 29 Oct 2003 09:54)
Really that should have been "Chris Ryan and Ortlieb Slim Fast Rope" ha ha but I didn't think of that before.
>>By Bethan (Wednesday, 29 Oct 2003 09:56)
k...you guys are safe from my inane nonsense for a few days...
4 days travelling (circa 450 miles/day)...have consulted the Survival Handbook...but there's nothing 'bout E&E from speed cops...
2 days in my trackside OP watching the gods of motorcycle racing <swoon>
Looking forward the the CR-ortlieb desert/arctic training sessions when I get back...tho' I think SlimFast may pick up on the transcripts Bethan...they seem to be just about the right length for a TV commercial break...
>>By bikergirl (Wednesday, 29 Oct 2003 11:43)
Beth:
We had to pospone the fastrope-project due to a temporary potato-chips & beer consumation mishap a couple of weekends ago. So we'll have to self-inflict a furocious E&E to get back to the SlimFast shape. Updates will come soon....
>>By ortlieb (Wednesday, 29 Oct 2003 11:49)
Potato chips and beer Ortlieb I'm so glad you are actually human after all.
>>By Bethan (Wednesday, 29 Oct 2003 12:16)
Bikergirl
Bear Grylls - Facing Up. Is it any good? I have no idea what it's about but always on the lookout for another good read. Spill all!
>>By Bethan (Friday, 31 Oct 2003 10:06)
Bethan...
from Bear Grylls website...
Bear spent three years with the British Special Forces...had a horrendous parachuting accident...broke his back in three places. Three years later...became the youngest British climber ever to reach the summit of Mount Everest and return alive."
I love all the books that the guys write about the big mountains...extreme survival I guess. But, big mountains...vast open spaces...massive seas...high speed...they all work for me <vbg>.
I can always lend it you if you want...
Ortlieb...
Don't worry too much about the potato-chips incident...I'm sure it all depends on which flavour you had...
(And anyone with any grammatical know-how that can be arsed to let me know...in that quote above...should it be...'an horrendous'...? I can never remember)
>>By bikergirl (Wednesday, 5 Nov 2003 18:26)
Doh...the books about his Everest trip
I'm off to play with sparklers and alcohol...
>>By bikergirl (Wednesday, 5 Nov 2003 18:27)
Hi, Bikergirl...
Being arsed: If you hear the h, use "a" (a house, a horrendous...), but if the h is silent so you hear the vowel, use "an" (an hour, an honorable...).
Of course, with cockney it's always an "an"... :o)
>>By am-i-binned (Wednesday, 5 Nov 2003 19:23)
What did everyone think of the watchman? I really enjoyed this book and think that its the best of his ive read so far.
>>By christina (Thursday, 6 Nov 2003 17:40)
Hi, Christina...
I definitely enjoyed The Watchman. So far, it is my personal favourite, but I'm keeping an open mind since I have a few more to go -- one courtesy of Lynn and the other from Scouse's library. The only thing I wish CR had done a bit differently is to have left a few more strings untied. Ooooh, to have had a "but where is he now?" cliff-hanger... :o)
>>By am-i-binned (Thursday, 6 Nov 2003 21:18)
I also really enjoyed the Hit list to!
>>By christina (Thursday, 6 Nov 2003 21:40)
I'd agree with you guys...The Watchman has definitely been the best one for me so far. Tho' I'm hardly the voice of experience...I've only read one other book of his and can't remember if it was Zero Option or the Kremlin Device...must've been a library book or summat coz I haven't got it now...
I must make a quick comment 'bout Hunting Chris Ryan last night...well done Hunter Force boys!! We'll gloss over the fact you had air support, motorized vehicles and a load of the BDF helping you out...not to mention being given exact co-ord's all the time...
I'm just so jealous tho'...jumping over the Okavango and then blatting round on quads...damn...I wanna play too <sulky pout>.
Tsodilo Hills too...how spooky were they?...must go back one day...
btw...I could've sworn we were up to p.6 yesterday...more spooks
>>By bikergirl (Friday, 7 Nov 2003 11:05)
The Kremlin Device still needs to be narrated in Dutch.
Anyone who speak Dutch........???
They wouldn't have me. My voice doesn't sound like I am a tough SAS soldier..
>>By Lynn (Friday, 7 Nov 2003 11:45)
You know I loved the watchman I keep saying it and trying to bully people into reading it. But I'm so disappointed today because in tenth man down there's a bit about elephant etc. (won't say because people haven't read it) and foolishly I thought he'd actually made this story up from his clever little brain. Did he hell, it happened. Ooh it's so frustrating they make up fiction in their non-fiction and their fiction is just non-fiction aaaarrrrrgggghhhh.
I'm really glad hunting chris ryan has finished I couldn't stand watching them give the shite hunter force anymore chances. Great idea for a show, but it doesn't translate to the little screen very well. I've heard on the grapevine they're planning a second series but I don't think I'll bother with that.
>>By Bethan (Friday, 7 Nov 2003 12:28)
"Ooh it's so frustrating they make up fiction in their non-fiction and their fiction is just non-fiction"
It's a new genre...called 'faction'
Bring back the SlimFast scripts...
>>By bikergirl (Friday, 7 Nov 2003 16:01)
CHRIS RYAN’S GUIDE TO HARD ROUTINE – THE SLIM FAST WAY
Deepest darkest Wales, high up in the Beacons at a secret rendezvous, Chris Ryan meets up with his newest Debbie Magee…..
CR “It’s very important when on hard routine to keep up the essential intake of calories. For years this has meant cold rations” Pulls a face. “There’s nothing like me Mam’s sausage and mash..” Sighs wistfully.
B “Ugh, cold beans and sausage at best, cold stew at worst. There has to be another way.”
CR “There is, this.” Produces handy slim fast shake “Each shake contains exactly the right amount of calories and with the non-noisy opening tab it’s perfect for those OP moments. Try it my friend”
B “Oh yes! That is just what any squaddie wants. You are a genius, how on earth did you think of this? You’ll be rich”
CR (Cunning laugh) “Actually my agent suggested it, but yes I am a genius, I could never have survived the last series of Hunting Chris Ryan without my Slim Fast. That’s how the Hunter Force never caught me on their own, I had their Slim Fast rations. See up there for thinking, down there for dancing.”
B “But what do you do with the can, we can’t live any sign?”
CR crumples it into a small easy to carry package (silently of course!)
CR “Easy, just take it with us. Another bonus – the Slim Fast Snack Bar. It comes in non-noisy cling-film and you and I both know what we can do with that after” (wink wink)
B “Hmm I’m alright for now but thanks….”
CR “Dusk is setting in, let’s get stood to, we move at last light”
Bikergirl and Chris Ryan pack up their bergens and patrol into the darkness on a north-easterly heading to the next RV. Nice work Bikergirl!!
Next time on Special Slim Fast Forces – Chris Ryan is stuck deep in the Borneo Jungle, can Ortlieb and Bikergirl get to him before the enemy does? Find out soon…..
>>By Bethan (Saturday, 8 Nov 2003 15:04)
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 ... 22
The discussion board is currently closed.
|
DISCOVER NEW BOOKS