Chris Ryan
Forum
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>>By Bethan (Saturday, 8 Nov 2003 15:07)
I DID IT PAGE SIX!!!!
>>By Bethan (Saturday, 8 Nov 2003 15:08)
LOLOL @ SSFF
Bethan you are too good!! They should be published...
Mr Ryan will be in touch shortly...he's currently in make up having cam cream applied...you didn't think he still did it himself...
AWU
(self-appointed)
(pending 2nd series)
(disclaimers will be removed in subsequent posts)
>>By bikergirl (Saturday, 8 Nov 2003 17:41)
Oh, lordy! My face and sides ache from laughing!
Bethan, get rid of those latex gloves and labcoat, you have a guaranteed career waiting for you! Oh-no, wait, give me a chance to me stock up on my supply of BenGay (analgesic cream) first!!!!
>>By am-i-binned (Saturday, 8 Nov 2003 18:04)
(Cross-posting -- CR/AM boards)
For some of our newer members of F Troop...
A number of recent posts, both here and on AM's board, have been removed (poof'd), mine included. Aggressive, personally insulting posts are in direct violation of the Discussion Guidelines so they are deleted, along with any responses related to those posts. My responses were in violation so I was poof'd along with others. I do know that the best way to defeat trolls is to ignore them, but I am weak and I always fear that my silence will be misconstrued as saying "they're right, they win, I surrender to their superior wisdom" -- Good grief! Give me a good poof'ing any day before that!
Actually, though, I understand how damaging such confrontations can be, and I try to think, "How would this sound to a new person coming here for the first time?" or "What if CR really does read this board from time to time?" Not good if only battles are raging.
So I apologize if my posts cost any of you your posts, and I thank MG for helping to clean up the mess on both boards...
>>By am-i-binned (Sunday, 9 Nov 2003 16:38)
Oh you guys you'll give me a big head!!! But AIB Bengay what are you going to do to me??????
>>By Bethan (Sunday, 9 Nov 2003 16:41)
It's what you're doing to me, Bethan! Aching face from smiling and sore sides from laughing! :oD
>>By am-i-binned (Sunday, 9 Nov 2003 16:59)
Deep in the Borneo jungle, after an arduous tab from the DOP, bg is surprised to find CR only minutes behind her...
CR : "I was able to follow the distinctive trail of bikergirl bootprints."
bg : "But that's not possible...you aren't equipped with standard issue Hunter Force red wrap-around shades, cigar and ZZ Top beard..."
CR : "Okay...I confess...we had your Slim Fast rations tagged with Satamatics miniature location-tracking satellite terminals..."
CR opens lap-top and points to the screen
CR : "You see...you're a pink triangle on my map...I don't need all the gadgets the HF needed to track me..."
bg : "Very impressive"
CR : "Now, let's see how closely you have been following my SAS exercise regime...30 press-ups...now."
bg drops to the floor, but is struggling to get past 25
CR : "I suggest you take off the crash helmet and leathers...it's 100% humidity today..."
bg : "But I don't want any mozzie bites for when I go to the beach later. There is a beach isn't there?..."
CR shakes his head
CR : "Here...cam-cream should hide any bite marks..."
bg : "SAS - Soft & Smooth...is it dermatologist tested?"
CR : Yes...it's a new money-making idea that my PA, Bethan, came up with...hypoallergenic, SPF 25 and packed with anti-oxidants...just see how good my skin is these days..."
bg : "Bethan...yes, I knew her before she was famous...she always had a way with words"
CR : "Yes...I like that in a woman..."
CR gazes longingly into space...
bg lobs a copy of 'Trek Inward', the latest Snick Tone novel by Steve-McQueen-you-know-who-I-mean, at CR to bring him back to reality...
CR : "Uh...yes...she's made me loadsa money...ever since she wrote the scripts for my Slim Fast commercials...in fact, let's get a brew on and watch some of them...I have them on my Hard Drive" <vbw>
bg sighs and disappears into the jungle to collect firewood...
>>By bikergirl (Sunday, 9 Nov 2003 17:24)
That was great BG. But as I've just woken up and reading the message first I thought that bg stood for Big Gim (meaning Jim you know the one who got Barbie) then I banged my head a couple of times and remembered it was missy bikergirlie.
OOaaah poor moi.
>>By borisette (Sunday, 9 Nov 2003 18:41)
>"it was missy bikergirlie"
aka microgirl
- full bacterial/viral/fungal/parasitic work-ups available on samples of medical/veterinary/environmental origin
- Cat 4 containment a speciality...it's always a pleasure to work at negative pressure...
talking of which...must get to work now...
>>By bikergirl (Monday, 10 Nov 2003 09:48)
Nice one bg! More of the same please, we'll have Mr Chris tabbing along with Mr Andy soon enough. This place will be full of nonsense (only purely in the military sense of course).
Hunting for Chris Ryan
Ortlieb and Bikergirl are pushing their way through the dense jungle undergrowth blinking at the sweat dripping into their eyes. They are hungry, mean and after the one man that has their entire cache (cash, cayshe, cachet ha ha bg!!) of Slim Fast rations. Chris Ryan is a wanted man can our decent hunter force actually catch him?
Base control “I have the new co-ordinates from the last satellite intel, they are secret so I’ll have to whisper” (Nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that I don’t know how to do map co-ordinates ha ha)
Ort “Received, we’re moving out”. Shouts to Bikergirl “we have fresh sign, we’re on the move, double time!”
They crash through the jungle hacking at the overhanging branches with their gollocks! The hunter force doesn’t care about fresh sign. They make good ground before silently approaching the predicted LUP for Chris Ryan. Silently Ortlieb crawls forward and scans the area with his binoculars.
B “What can you see?”
Ort “Sssssshhhhh, he’s there, there’s two of us and one of him, and only one way in or out we can’t fail”
B “We can do a pincer movement, I’ll go on the left side you creep to the right and wham, we’ve got him and those delicious slim fast shakes”
Ortlieb gives the thumbs up. But what of Chris Ryan?? What is he doing?
CR “I can hear the hunter force, I’m here at my LUP, a good fifty metres from the pick-up point and them soldiers are right on top of me. I just hope they haven’t compromised my position. I can’t stay here it’s not safe. I’ve gathered my essential equipment into my belt kit and I’m off”
CR checks his belt kit, weapon and runs for it sprinting head first towards Bikergirl. Oh no!!!! He’ll get caught (for once). Bikergirl dips her shoulder ready to tackle him but out of the corner of her eye she spots the cache.
B “Ortlieb, he’s left the cache, abort the mission, stuff him, I want the Slim Fast”
Ort “Roger that guv’nor”
CR carries on running, oblivious to the fact there is no-one chasing him. As the camera pans to our heroes they sit stuffing their faces on cold soup. Mission accomplished. CR jumps on his extraction helicopter, arms raised in triumph.
"I'm a man, na na na na na na, a full grown man, na na na na na..." (Can't remember the rest of the words...)
CR “See they don’t call me the one that got away for nothing, them there soldiers haha”
>>By Bethan (Monday, 10 Nov 2003 10:37)
And they say SAS training has nothing to do with science. Feast your eyes on Bethan's Guide to the Scientific Laboratory (otherwise sub-titled as done my talk (and I was hot!!), experiments are running and I'm bored!)
1. Centrifeud
A highly dangerous situation. That's why I need me highly dangerous armed ex-special forces bodyguard, one damn centrifuge and 84 people all trying to use it at once. Ha ha after me guys! Also applies to every other piece of equipment your under-funded, over-populated lab has.
2. Decryptify
No such thing as secure comms here. Shed loads of data written onto a tube half a centimetre long in permanent marker that doesn't live up to it's name. Now which tube was where?
3. De-encryption
Like above. The process of trying to decipher the illegible handwriting in lab book, if you live by the SAS no writing rule the bloody thing will never work again. Hand signals for 'oh my god it's going to explode', 'damn it xylene melts plastic', 'your tube rolled under there' are all essential, as is 'fire escape that way', 'accident book is here'.
4. Protocolore
Essential SOPs, followed to the letter and passed down the scientific generations whether it's shite or not. Never attempt to change a protocolore unless you have a highly trained ex-special forces bodyguard present or very fast running shoes.
5. Seminarcolepsy
Unavoidable, no amount of SAS training can ever cure this one. Set up your OP in the darkest corner of seminar room and grin and bear it. We may know there is more to life than work, they don't.
6. Tactical Questioning
We may not be tied up and beaten but the questioners are certainly gunning for your blood. Just remember calm, logical thoughts and that bullshit baffles brains, if in doubt blitz them with big words! Science big four: name (make it as long and difficult to pronounce as possible), DOB (no way!), rank (don't even bother, unless you're a prof you're a nobody), regiment (the damned). Word of warning, 'I can't answer that sir' does not go down well.
So Bikergirl a microgirl after my own heart. We are such a precious kind......
>>By Bethan (Monday, 10 Nov 2003 12:50)
Bethan:
Lots of sparetime?? I ya don't shape up missy, I'll have to notify yer boss....
>>By ortlieb (Monday, 10 Nov 2003 13:21)
Ortlieb
Oh yes too much spare time today, that's what comes of waiting and waiting for your patients only for them to be cancelled at the last minute. What a wasted day. It's hurt me very much you would tell on me...vbg!!!!!
>>By Bethan (Monday, 10 Nov 2003 17:04)
Oh-no, Bethan, what have you done?!?
Ortlieb wasn't really going to tell on you -- it was just a deviously clever interrogation technique! And it worked! The problem you have now..."is that I've opened up the chink in the armour and I could open myself up for now hours and days and days of different types of questioning on different avenues but I had to take that chance because people were gonna die..."
Ooops, sorry, CR, AM's B20 audio just clicked on in my head... :o)
>>By am-i-binned (Monday, 10 Nov 2003 17:57)
>As the camera pans to our heroes they sit stuffing their faces on cold soup.
And later....
bg : "Ortlieb mate, I'm in pain after knocking back all that SlimFast soup...gimme some more analgesia..."
Ort : "No, bikergirl...you don't need it...We're Tough We Are..."
bg : "But how come you're still in good shape...look at all the tins we've been thru..."
Ort : "You know how...I've studied the CR SAS Fitness book..."
bg : "I don't mean that...I know you're fit...but I can barely move..."
Ort : "If I tell you I may have to kill you..."
bg : "I'm gonna explode soon anyway...I'd hate to leave this LUP in a mess..."
Ort : "Okay...I filled all my Slim Fast tins with Glenfiddich...I can't stand the shakes..."
bg : "Jeez, Ortlieb...that's some confession...I hope CR's not listening in...I've heard he had you lined up for his stunt double in the next series of Hunting CR..."
Ort : "You mean I was destined for True Commercial Stardom?"
bg : "Yes, mate...and think of the money that'd go with it...but don't worry...I won't tell anyone without changing your name first..."
Ort : "That's fine...in fact, we could change the whole story couldn't we?"
bg : "Indeed...in time honoured fashion..."
>>By bikergirl (Monday, 10 Nov 2003 23:21)
AIB if only you knew that boy already landed me in trouble once by making me laugh a little too loudly. But it's okay I can deal with his questions, you see I am the one with the latex gloves ha ha. Ugh no bad image. Sorry.
Oooohh the mystery deepens, Ortlieb and BG plotting against our Mr Ryan. Tell us more....
>>By Bethan (Tuesday, 11 Nov 2003 10:06)
Re:
>Bethan's Guide to the Scientific Laboratory
Re. Centrifeud...the centrifuge:personnel ratio sounds distinctly NHS...(ahhh...memories of a Public Health Lab...)
Re. Protocolore...it is inevitable that changes in SOP will end up in Procolore...lore (as in folk...) being the operative word with the amount of time it takes for a hierarchy of command to approve it...yawn
Re. Tac Q's...if in doubt, I always recommend undoing a further popper on the lab coat for distraction value (how un-PC...). Obviously no good if you're up to your armpits in a Class III cabinet...(mind you, depends who's interrogating...could always ask them to do the undoing...ahem...must recover my exposure...I mean composure...)
bikergirl...microgirl...2 in a series of...ummm...girls (term used loosely...)
Whatever next?...safetygirl?...nooooo...that means the biohaz protection suits...
>>By bikergirl (Tuesday, 11 Nov 2003 18:57)
More non-sense I'm afraid...
(well I'm not really afraid...unless I drop my bike...coz it's too heavy for me to pick up...but I digress...)
Extract from BFBS Radio 1...
'Maria' (name changed to protect ignorance) interviews CR on the subject of his Ultimate Survival Guide...
M : "So, Chris...I see you recommend we pack a few tampons in our belt kits for those deniable missions..."
CR : "Yes, Maria...it's one for the ladies..."
M : "Obviously..."
CR : "You see, after the magic has happened (*), I tend to snore a bit...so, tampon in each ear...sorted..."
M : "Oh..."
CR : "The lassies have been known to stick a handful of 'em in me mouth to shut me up when I get really loud..."
M : "Ummmm...I see...I thought I read you could use them to get a fire going?"
CR : "Good thinking...that's an excellent survival tip...I'll put that in the next book..."
At this point the sound of CR's publicist banging his head (CR's?) on the desk can be heard, followed by a scuffle as CR is dragged from the building before he let's any more intel slip...
* It is of course not possible to reveal the correct SF term for this activity on a public board...
Coming soon to MTV...
SAS Cribs...we take a sneaky peek round CR and Bethans palatial tropical basha...
>>By bikergirl (Tuesday, 11 Nov 2003 19:03)
Bikergirl there is nothing so fab as getting into work and then spending the first ten mins giggling - a palatial basha hey.
>>By Bethan (Wednesday, 12 Nov 2003 10:09)
book signings (CR's USG) @ Ottakers...
Tuesday 18th November...Yeovil...CR in-store from 4pm
Wednesday 19th November...Newport, Gwent...from 7pm
I won't be able to go coz I'll be in breach of my restraining order LOL
>>By bikergirl (Friday, 14 Nov 2003 11:44)
Back on the set of Hunting CR (after the soup-fest detailed earlier/above)...we join our man with his handycam...
CR : "It's just before first light...the Hunter Force didn't make it back to base. There's only 2 of 'em and they've been alone all night...I'm not havin' that...the Producer said it'd be me seein' all the action..."
Camera 2 (right next to CR's OP) pans round to the Hunter Force in the distance...bikergirl and Ortlieb are enjoying breakfast...not a SlimFast shake in sight...
bg : "Ortlieb, mate...this was a great idea of yours...real food for breakfast..."
Ort : "Yep, bikergirl...fruit...complete with it's own biodegradable wrapper..."
bg : "It's a novel idea...someone would do well to market it..."
Cut back to the CR-cam...
CR : "WTF!...they're eating...what IS that they're eating??"
CR checks with binoculars...and then gets on the radio...
CR : "Tango-A-Go-Go to Base...the Hunter Force are in breach of contract...they're not eating my Product...I've had enough of this...I'm An Ex-SAS-Hero-Celebrity...Get Me Outta Here"
---------------------------------------------------------------
For those who haven't seen the real 'elite Hunter Force' that went after the big man...
http://www.garrett-axford.co.uk/images/
300dpi_Satamatics%20Tracks%20Hunting
%20Chris%20Ryan%20for%20BBC
%2021_10_03.jpg
(lose the hard returns as usual...)
CR flanked by the 2 U.S. guys...the weirdy-beardy-cigar-smokin' one and the other one (kinda cute, I think...) who equipped himself with flippers in the jungle episode for some reason...
Then the Brits on the outside...the one with an unfortunate affinity for booby traps and, on the right...the reason for success...get a Royal Marines Commando SNCO to lead the Hunter Force...
>>By bikergirl (Friday, 14 Nov 2003 18:42)
Oooh, fanx for the visual aid, Bikergirl!
Having not seen the program but just looking at that picture now, am I alone in suddenly getting a fit of laughter? It's just the grim faces and the gripped weapons -- I mean, really, were they actually going to shoot him or sumfink? Okay, okay, I know -- role playing -- but still, the outrageous seriousness on their faces is crackin' me up (uh-oh, am I OD'd on too many SlimFast commercials?)...
Sorry, CR! I'll be over in the corner now... trying to stiffle... :o)
>>By am-i-binned (Friday, 14 Nov 2003 19:13)
That is fantastic that picture, now everyone can admire the beard that went horizontal in Botswana and the ex-marine who just moaned non-stop (olde fat one).
stand by, stand by (clever eh?) for Chris Ryan and Bikergirl go wild in the aisles (just think Dale Winton people he he, now that will mean nothing to those not in UK, apologies).
>>By Bethan (Saturday, 15 Nov 2003 14:13)
LOL oh boy what a picture
The more I look at CR the more he reminds me
of my uncle George.
Who's the guy on the left, think I've just seen him while I stopped on the motorway for a pee, there was this guy in the bar who couldn't stop looking at me and when I looked back he started grinning. He even had the same hat on........they're not hunting me now aren't they? Well I wasn't eating anything from slim fast, so maybe that's why he was laughing or maybe he was just trying to hook me up, hey now wait a minute.............
>>By borisette (Sunday, 16 Nov 2003 15:59)
Slim Fast Shooters
Rose and Crown somewhere near Hereford. Our intrepid soldiers are exhausted after a hard day’s tab from the Beacons. They stand propping up the bar.
CR “You know Bikergirl, I’m concerned about you”
BG “Why? Didn’t I keep up with you? Admittedly the rollerskates helped, especially going down hill”
CR “Well, hah, most people need mechanical help to keep up with me, I am the one that usually gets away you know”
BG “How could I forget? You remind me every 10 minutes, it’s getting just a little irritating now”
Ryan raises his left hand to attract the barman.
CR “Two shooters, loaded”
BG “WTF? Are you mad? This is a public place you can’t buy weaponry here”
Chris stares at her stunned.
CR “What are you talking about woman?”
Barman hands over two shot glasses full of creamy-looking liquid.
CR “Vanilla slim fast shake and double vodka, covertly known as a shooter, so us tough SAS men can still look tough when ordering”
BG “Oooooh. Sorry” Laughs nervously.
CR “See the beauty is alcohol and food in one go – helps keep that beergut in check and stops the hangover in the morning. Bottoms up girl”
Downs the shot in one, hotly followed by Bikergirl throwing hers down the hatch.
BG “Nice on Chris, you really are special!”
CR winks “What else do you expect from a special forces hero? Now drink up, you need to carry me home, I couldn’t walk another step”
BG “Aye aye sir”
CR “Again Bikergirl, it’s the army not the navy”
BG “Right. Sorry”
Our two heroes stagger into the darkness, well Bikergirl staggers whilst Ryan repeatedly yells “Giddy up horsey”.
More nonsense! What else would you expect from me?
>>By Bethan (Sunday, 16 Nov 2003 18:40)
>Bikergirl staggers whilst Ryan repeatedly yells “Giddy up horsey”.
Beth...this is too much...the image it conjures up...LOLOL...
and...
>BG “Nice on Chris, you really are special!”
we REALLy do mean that...despite all we write...
>>By bikergirl (Monday, 17 Nov 2003 21:30)
BG “Nice on(E) Chris, you really are special!”
we REALLy do mean that...despite all we write...
Okay typo there oops. Stop creeping bg!! They say humour is the highest form of flattery, so you must be pretty special Mr Ryan (ha ha ha I creep better than you, bikergirl)
>>By Bethan (Tuesday, 18 Nov 2003 10:23)
You guys 'n gals...if you do see me lining up any SlimFast shots on the bar..stop me...
It'd probably taste foul...and also because when I was in Spain earlier...I woke up to a Talking Heads song...
...and you may find yourself sleeping in a strange sleeping bag
...and you may find yourself inside a strange tent
...surrounded by strange things
...and you may ask yourself
...WTF am I doing here?
So...I was cream-crackered after 900 miles riding and then I had 1/2 a glass of sherry (honest guv...) and had an irrepressible urge to lie down.
Off I went to my tent (I thought) only to be woken later by someone else trying to get into my tent. It wasn't 'im indoors...coz he wasn't there (he wasn't even on the European continent). So I told the 'intruder' to flork off...and he did (thankfully).
In the morning I realised the error of my ways and headed back sharpish to the Brit enclave...to find that no-one had missed me (yeah...thanks guys...cheers)
So..I know 'the liver is evil and must be punished' but just keep an eye on me, eh?
btw...this was covert intel...don't tell anyone...thanks!!
>>By bikergirl (Tuesday, 18 Nov 2003 13:33)
It can always be worse bg.
I wish I'd been drunk when this summer my so-called-friend whose far too fit suggested we all go walking in the Brecons. Great I thought a nice day trip. Lovely weather, nice views. Rubbish, it's bloody windy up there and bloody steep. Word of advice, you ever go there don't drink, there's hardly any cover to ahem hide behind when you hear the call of nature. Or make sure you take a friend with you that sees the four men with huge backpacks sprinting up the path before they whistle and shout 'hello love, nice to see you'.
The worst part? They were on their way back down before we got up to the top and the whistling........ Mind you I was very impressed I walked Pen-y-Fan. So my tips for the top? Never go in the summer there's too many bloody people running up and down it and don't go in the winter because it's bloody windy in the summer and I dread to think what it's like in the winter. In fact stay home, unless your name is CR!!
>>By Bethan (Tuesday, 18 Nov 2003 14:05)
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